Hello all! And a very happy This Week to you. I’m back from break just in time for Gamescom. Gamescom! *Broadway overture kicks in* A time of booths and blaggardry! Of queues and carousing! Of flinching away from cosplayers promising Free Hugs! Of getting caught in a human logjam between the major exhibition halls and the lavatories! Of miniature walled villages operated by triple-A publishers, hosting their own local culture of finger food! Of strung-out crypto investors filling the alcoves with their musical cries of “DOGECOIN FOR SALE, DOGECOIN FOR SALE!” Of waifu bodypillows and army recruiters! Of finding the event’s secret best game tucked away among the b2b stands! Of long walks back to the hotel across the bridge of locks, wondering how it ever came to this!
Such are my terrible memories, anyway. James is attending the Cologne-based games convention for RPS this year. The rest of us will be stationed atop the Treehouse with telescopes and crossbows, scouring the skies for News with which to feed the exuberant and impetuous Maw. In advance of all that, here’s a rundown of new PC games, together with the bare bones of a conference schedule.
Monday 18th August
Tuesday 19th August
- Sword Of The Sea is the latest Journey-me-do from Abzu and The Pathless devs Giant Squid. It’s about doing ollies on a claymore. I was quite impressed by the SGF demo.
- Void/Breaker (pictured above) is a glistening goldfish bowl full of robots, destructible buildings and moddable guns.
- Raygun Gadabout is a retro-future sci-fi with splattery Rick & Morty stylings. Possibly an Earthworm Jim for people who don’t like Earthworm Jim since its creator went a bit Wrong.
- They do the Geoffs in different voices at Gamescom Opening Night Live, featuring Blandoman Extraordinaire and his Fashion Friends, plus some videogames. The main show starts at 11am PT, 2pm EDT, 7pm BST and 8pm CEST.
Wednesday 20th August
- Azooma Escape is a comedic stealth adventure about breaking out of an overbearing family gathering, from a Saudi independent team.
- Xbox are doing their first Gamescom broadcast today at 6am PT, 9am EDT, 2pm BST and 3pm CEST. Perhaps they’ll share further details of the external inquiry Microsoft have recently commissioned into their alleged complicity with war crimes.
- The Future Games Show is next up on the Gamescom schedule at 11am PDT, 2pm EDT, 7pm BST, and 8pm CEST. We can expect: the voice actors behind Solid Snake and Lady Dimitrescu. Now there’s a fanshipping for you.
Thursday 21st August
- Bean Beasts is a lushly pixelled tower defender in which your towers are Pokenots and your traps are upgradeable – truly, these are dark times for tower attackers.
- Herdling is about ushering befuddled goat things up a mountain. It’s from them wot did Far: Lone Sail.
- It’s time for Eggsbogs Gamecome All Ye Faithful round two at 6am PDT, 9am EDT, 2pm BST, and 3pm CEST. Perhaps they’ll have another crack at justifying the mass layoffs in this one.
Friday 22nd August
- Let’s leave Friday wide open and spotless as the freshly fallen snow, to catch any larger unexpected Gamescom revelations. Maybe somebody will wear another politically ill-advised hat on stage. Maybe James will go full gonzo. According to my meeting notes, he’s promised to eat all those mushrooms he found in his planters last week. I think that would be a wonderful way to close the expo, personally. I’m sure you’ll all remind him.
*Broadway overture crackles and slows into a nightmarish series of undersea noises* Good luck with the Geoffalypse, all.
